Fantabulous Leggosity!
by Soyotome
Summary: LARGE, HAIRY PARODY! Put humor in with your Legolas to avoid starchy romance fics! Not for those who likewrite Mary-Sues. Legolas Meets Mystic Girl...satire ensues! Updated with Very Important Note for everyone to read.....
1. The girl with breasts and legs and every...

WARNING!!   
  
This is a PARODY. Not for those looking for saccharine Lego-goop. You have been WARNED!  
  
Inspiration for this story comes from the fact that there seem to be almost NO LotR stories being written that don't include some sort of Legolas/Elf girl/human girl/Aragorn/Frodo/large hairy mongoose pairing. All right, maybe not the large hairy mongoose, but there is still a LARGE and DISTURBING amount of Legomance fics, all of which written in nearly the same manner- BADLY.   
If you are like me and very very SICK of starchy, ground-out Legomance fics, then HERE'S ONE FOR YOU! Yes, this is a Legomance, but dripping with sarcasm and satire! This folks, is also known as a BLATANT PARODY! Beware!  
I chose this particular title because I didn't want people thinking this was a REAL Legomance, which it is most certainly not. FANTABULOUS LEGGOSITY and its included characters are not owned by me. I don't even own the character I made up, feel free to take her. She's a Mary-Sue.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
FANTABULOUS LEGGOSITY!  
Partie Une  
  
  
  
Legolas Greenleaf rode through the rich green forests of Mirkwood, sunlight dense with golden motes streaming onto his regal face. The prince rode a gallant, pure white steed, which is unfortunate due to the fact that there is no such thing as a pure white horse. Therefore, he was riding no horse at all. He tumbled into the roadside ditch.  
  
Legolas swore in his most princely manner as he gathered himself up, vowing to never ride a non-existent horse again. Being horseless, far from home, and uncertain of his bearings, he decided to plunge into the dense forest, seeing as that is often the best way to get back the way you came.  
  
As he glided soundlessly through the forest, his keen Elven ears picked up a far-off commotion, a loud guttural roar. He quickened his pace and soon happened upon a dark forest clearing, in which were gathered a multitude of foul, filthy Orcs- recently common to the Mirkwood area.  
  
The horrid creatures were gathered around something they had tied to a thick tree trunk- a kitten or a puppy, perhaps, Legolas thought. As a defender of kittens and puppies everywhere, the prince knew he had to stop the vile torturing of the obviously innocent, bug-eyed woodland creature the Orcs had captured.  
  
Without pausing, Legolas smoothly drew his bow from his back, wound it between his legs, obtained a string, braced the bow, pulled an arrow from his quiver, and notched to the string. Luckily for the prince, Orcs do not pay homage to the theory of keeping a lookout, or they would have spotted him long before.  
  
With unnatural grace and speed, Legolas slew all the Orcs with his mighty bow! Not since Ted Kennedy in Barney suit was there such a display of archery prowess! Even as Orcs began to drop like flies, the few remaining refused to turn around. Thus Legolas slew them with ease.  
  
Once Legolas had un-braced his bow, wound up the string, retrieved his arrows and slung them all back onto his shoulders, he turned his attention to the long suffering, innocent, bug-eyed woodland creature, who turned out to fit none of the aforementioned descriptions.  
  
In fact, it was a young girl, tied rather securely to the tree, with her eyes closed, her head lolling gently to the side. Her hair, which flowed like a velvet waterfall down to her waist, was as black as the underside of a raven's wing in the deepest forest on a moonless night. Maybe blacker. It was very black. Her skin was light and fair, and there were strategic dirt smears on her cheeks, which acted as an outdoorsy version of blush. The rips and tears in her clothing could only be taken for the newest fashion rage- obviously the beautiful girl was highly trendy.  
  
Legolas was instantly smitten by the girl and her beauty- she had legs and breasts and everything. Quietly, so as not to disturb her peaceful, unconscious sleep, he approached her and gazed for copious amounts of time upon her fair face, which seemed to grow even more pale and fair by the moment. Eventually Legolas realized this was the result of the ropes being too tight around her and severely hindering her blood circulation, and he took the initiative to cut her free.  
  
Once that task was complete, Legolas gathered the cataleptic girl into his arms. The feeling of faith and trust radiating from her comatose body was enough to provoke a heart murmur within him. Fearing for the life of the girl and his own possible cardiac arrest, Legolas took off for Mirkwood, which he'd know the location of the whole time. He'd only been pretending to be lost.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hidden humor- O, tis fun to write. Don't mind my continued archery snarking- it annoys me that no one seems to know archery from SHINOLA before writing about it! *cough* Carry on.... 


	2. Legolas Greenleaf, Sultan of Swing

Heh....heh....heh....  
This chapter gets REALLY ridiculous. I am having so much fun! See if you can pronounce THIS Mary-Sue's name! (I'm not sure if I can)  
Anyway, I don't own Legolas (nor the ridiculous names I made up for him.....you'll see) or Aragorn, or his REAL ridiculous names (or the made up ones) Elrond, OR my Mary-Sue. I don't want to own her. ^_^  
  
FANTABULOUS LEGGOSITY  
Partie deux  
  
  
  
Presently, Legolas arrived in Rivendell, to deliver the wounded maiden into the healing care of Lord Elrond. The fact that he had in fact been aiming for Mirkwood did not phase him one bit. Running frantically through the Last Homely House, he burst in upon Elrond, who, of course, was not doing anything important and instantly devoted all his time to healing the random unknown beauty.   
  
****  
  
The random unknown beauty stirred fretfully, slowly awakening back into consciousness. She brushed her hair, which was blacker than the heart of a coal stuffed under the sofa cushion, back off her fair face and cast her wide crystalline blue eyes about in innocence, finding herself in an empty room.  
  
"Oh, wherefore is it that I hath been conveyed too?" she cried, alarmed by her present surroundings. "What cruel tortures dideth the Orcs inflict upon me whilst I was captured by them? Who hath save-ed me from the foul creatures? Eth."  
  
It was just then than Legolas entered the room to find the random unknown beauty awake. His clear azure eyes met her sparkling cerulean ones, and for a long moment they teetered, considering to succumb to the urge to instantly begin shagging.  
  
"Where am I?" The random unknown beauty finally asked, and her voice was like the tinkling of silver bells, clear and calm, beautiful and enrapturing. Legolas wished even more to shag her.  
  
"O fair maiden." Legolas whispered in his best Help-A-Mary-Sue-Authoress-Is-Writing-My-Dialogue!! tone. "You are in the House of Elrond, who hath healed thou from thine terrible wounds. But now I must ask- who are you, and wherefore do you come from?"   
  
"I am but a poor lost human/Elf/Hobbit, cast into the cruel world with no parents or siblings or even any frat boys to help me forge my way through this land of turmoil!" the fair maiden cried. "My name is Annuninomincirthwenniron!"  
  
"Annuninomincirthwenniron!" Legolas said. "My name is Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, son of Thranduil, the Sultan of Swing, the Duke of Disco, the Raja of Rumba, a child of the universe, no less than the trees!"  
  
Elrond fortunately/unfortunately entered at this precise moment to interrupt the absolutely sizzling dialogue between the Elven Prince and the human/Elf/Hobbit. He bade Annuninomincirthwenniron to rest and steered Legolas out into the hallway.  
  
"Legolas, you must be told whom that dazzling beauty be!" Elrond exclaimed. "She is a princess of a lost race of Elves, one of its last survivors! Her mother and father were murdered in the fight against Sauron, her siblings were sentenced to death by firing squad and chickens, and her frat boys were accosted by Buddist Monks, gave up all their worldly possessions and moved to Tibet."  
  
Legolas wiped a tear from his eyes. "What a grievous, compelling saga." He said with emotion. "She needs comforting in this time of her grief."  
  
"Yes." Elrond agreed. "I have taken the initiative to invite her to the super-secret-hush-hush-on-the-down-low-clandestine COUNCIL OF ELROND!" Elrond bellowed. Many Elves in the hall turned to look at him.   
  
"Yes, that will indeed lighten her spirits." Legolas agreed. He cast a longing look at the door which lead into the room of Annuninomincirthwenniron. "Such a breathtaking beauty she is." He sighed. "I wish I could be her condolence."  
  
"Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, son of Thranduil, the Sultan of Swing, the Duke of Disco, the Raja of Rumba, a child of the universe, no less than the trees, you must not involve yourself with Annuninomincirthwenniron! She is an unobtainable dazzling gem and is not to be defiled." Elrond said sharply.  
  
"I understand, Lord Elrond." Legolas said, casting his eyes down. "I shall see you at the Council."  
  
"Yes, very well." Elrond said, turning and beginning to walk away. "Oh, and Legolas…?"  
  
"Yes?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Please consider doing something about all of those names. You're getting as bad as Aragorn, son of Aragorn, son of Arador, son of Arathorn, son of Arassull, son of Arahad, son of Lloyd the Microwave Salesman, son of Aravorn, son of Aragost, son of Arahad, son of Araglas, son of Joe, son of Aragorn, son of Aravir, son of Aranuir, son of Arahael, son of Aranarth, son of Arvedui, son of Donald Trump, son of Araphant, son of Araval, son of Arveleg, son of Arvegil, son of Franz Kafka, son of Argeleb, son of Araphor, son of Chuckles the Kosher Clown, son of Arveleb, son of Argeleb, son of Malvegil, son of Obi-Wan Kenobi, son of Celebrindor, son of Celepharn, son of Mallor, son of Tiny Tim, son of Beleg, son of Amlaith, son of Earendur, son of Elendur, son of Peter Jennings, son of Valandur, son of Tarondor, son of Tarcil, son of Arantar, son of Foster Brooks, son of Eldacar, son of Valandil, son of Isildur, son of Elendil, Strider, Elfstone, Estel, Longshanks, the Dunadan-  
  
"Yes, yes, I am well aware of Aragorn's titles. But I do so admire mine, and I think I shall keep them." Legolas said before Elrond could go any further. Indeed, he was nearly at the end anyway.  
  
"Ahem…yes. All right then." Elrond said. He began to walk away gain, and then stopped and turned for a second time. "And remember Legolas…." He said sternly. "No touchie Annuninomincirthwenniron!"  
  
"No touchie." Legolas promised faithfully.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Oh, that was ridiculous. :) You can thank Greg Nagan as the inspiration for most of these crazybits. If you've never read anything by him...you're really missing out! 


	3. Moonlight Vomitorium

It's time for more shameless mockery! Gwa ha ha ha. It's short and rather a cheater chapter, but I wanted to get something up before the school week started, because nothing will go up DURING the school week.   
Funny how a moment of extreme irateness at Mary-Sues can turn into a fic. Whoo! Fun. Other things will be updated...soon. HARRY POTTER SCRIPT BY NEXT WEEKEND! All rejoice. Yay.  
  
  
  
FANTABULOUS LEGGOSITY!!  
Partie trois   
  
  
That night, when the glowing orb of the silver moon had risen majestically over the Last Homely House, bathing the valley in twinkling faerie light, the sparkling corniness of it all making every occupant rather ill, Annuninomincirthwenniron found it was the perfect time to make an unplanned rendezvous with Legolas.   
  
Accidentally clad in a sheer scanty nightie, she arose gracefully from her sick-bed and went flitting about the halls, singing softly in a voice more beautiful and clear than Celine Dion, LeeAnne Rimes, Sarah Brightman and all other famous female singers combined.  
  
The sound of her high, clear, glass-shattering voice caused Legolas to morph out of the walls of Rivendell, where he'd been waiting for her to come along. Like a big shaggy mutt after a thick beefy slab of meat, Legolas trotted after Annuninomincirthwenniron as she glided, wraith-like, through the halls.  
  
"Annuninomincirthwenniron!" Legolas finally lamented, unable to restrain himself any longer. Annuninomincirthwenniron whirled around, the song dying on her lips.  
  
"Uck! It's dead!" she exclaimed, and quickly spat it out. She then noticed who had called her name and uttered a highly feminine gasp and clutched her transparent nightie around her, which still hid nothing.  
  
"Legolas! How dare-eth you follow me about the halls like a big shaggy mutt after a thick beefy slab of meat! Haveth you no respect for a lady's right to wander half-clothed about Rivendell? Shame on thee!" Her eyes, earlier crystalline and innocent in their vivacious blue, were now a angry shade of violet. She pointed to them and exclaimed:  
  
"See-eth thou the way mine eyes hath become violet? 'Tis a true sign of my superficial annoyance with you! I shalt insult you and kick thine ass whilst all the time hiding my true feelings for you!" With that admonition, she stalked away in anger.  
  
"Fair maiden Annuninomincirthwenniron!" Legolas cried after her, but before he had finished eeking out her name, she was gone.  
  
"Oh, curses upon that fair one! That fair one," Legolas lamented, "whose beauty could only be upstaged by something more beautiful! Who is equipped with all feminine body parts! Whose rebel fiery temper is a warmth to mine own heart!"  
  
And with that, he trounced off to be violently ill on account of the unfortunate saccharine blather and terrible Old English which had recently been pouring from his mouth.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Yes, it's a cheater. ^_^  
  
Some notes on the LAST chapter (chapter two):  
  
The part of Legolas' title, "child of the universe, no less than the trees" is from the Desiderata by Max Ehrman. I actually DIDN'T make that up, although it fits Legolas rather well….^_^  
  
Yes, the mistakes in Aragorn's name list were PURPOSEFUL. (Vorserkeien: You WERE right, Gimli is Elf-friend and Aragorn is ElfSTONE. It's fixed now. Thankies! ^_^) I hope everyone one caught the inserted names in Aragorn's long heredity list. And some of them actually WEREN'T random! Tiny Tim: singer guy with long greasy hair (Aragorn!). Obi-Wan Kenobi: Jedi with long greasy hair (Aragorn!). Foster Brooks: a comedian who portrays drunks often and therefore falls down a lot (FRODO!). Franz Kafka: a depressing Czech author who wrote about alienation. Aragorn alienates himself..ooooh. All the other names were random or ones I made up. ^_^   
  
Yeah, I'll shut up now, before my notes become longer than the chapter. Wouldn't want that now, would we..... 


	4. Studlymanus Makes The Stage!

Well. It was about 12:30 in the morning and I was putting off doing more chemistry, being not sleepy and feeling like writing. Therefore, it has resulted in THIS. It may or may not be quite as biting sarcastic as previous chapters, being as it's so very very late, but I stuck to my plot outline. YES, this ACTUALLY has a plot outline, believe it or not. There are going to be quite a few more characters dropping by, including one who arrives in this chapter with a ridiculous name that I'm sure could be a source of great amusment, especially since it is used so seriously. Well, as serious as this sotry IS, anyway. Now, I'll shut up and get on with the story. ^_^  
  
  
  
  
FANTABULOUS LEGGOSITY  
Partie Quatre  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, while Annuninomincirthwenniron and Legolas cavorted merrily in the haunting halls of Rivendell, a lone horseman rode quickly and silently across the plains of some unnamed Middle-Earthian county towards Mirkwood. The lone, unnamed, very rugged and manly horseman's paramour had disappeared three days previous without so much as a trace of a Linea Paolo slingback high-heel to mark a clue to her whereabouts, and now he was bent on locating her.  
  
The rugged, outdoorsy man who is beginning to sound a bit like Aragorn but in all honesty isn't had suddenly been struck with the insane idea that his beloved had gone to Mirkwood. After regaining consciousness, he had instantly leaped upon his faithful donkey named Hotey (who wasn't actually a donkey at all, he just liked to call her that) and had sped off into the wild blue yonder.  
  
Of course, like any good person heading sincerely and desperately for Mirkwood, the rugged and unnamed manly horse-guy arrived in Rivendell, only moments after Annuninomincirthwenniron had stalked in violet-eyes anger away from the poor muddled prince Legolas, who had consequently nearly choked to death on her name.  
  
The rugged, outdoorsy, manly horseman who would probably soon be named in these next paragraphs leaped expertly from the back of his horse and gazed around the moon-bathed Rivendell and its accompanying ethereal and sickening beauty.  
  
"Ah ha!" he cried gallantly in true pompous hero fashion. "I have arrived in Mirkwood!"  
  
Showing how truly dense he really was.  
  
  
***  
  
Exactly 149.472859275 meters away, Annuninomincirthwenniron's dainty ears detected the sound of a familiar voice. She arose gracefully from her feather bed where she had been delicately weeping in her grievous and piteous woe, and went to the window, which just happened to look down on a certain Rivendell courtyard that contained a certain horse and its certain rider.  
  
"SQUEEEE!!" Annuninomincirthwenniron cried, shattering the already horribly warped canon. The poor thing screeched in its final death throes, but was drowned out by the constant exalted cry of "BISHIE!! SQUEEEE!!!" from Annuninomincirthwenniron.  
  
Exactly 2.00000006 meters away (just outside Annuninomincirthwenniron's door, coincidentally) Legolas heard the ear-splintering cry from within the chamber. Immediately, believing Annuninomincirthwenniron to be wounded, in mortal danger, or perhaps giving birth, he flung the door open and was instantly run over by a rampaging she-Elf.  
  
By the time the squashed prince had spatula-ed himself off the floor, he heard a loud commotion in the court below. Going to the window, which also happened to look down on that certain courtyard, he saw Annuninomincirthwenniron, the one female he desired to shag above all others, fling herself into the arms of a tall, rugged, dark-haired stranger in the courtyard below.  
  
"Whatever could this be?" Legolas cried. "My Annuninomincirthwenniron, flinging herself wantonly upon such a rugged, tall, dark, unnamed stranger such as /this/ rugged, tall, dark, unnamed stranger? It simply cannot be!"  
  
And he fled down the stairs to check out this thing for himself.  
  
***  
  
The tall, dark, rugged stranger who was getting rather irked at his severe lack of proper name, caught the flying she-Elf with rather some difficulty in keeping his balance. She appeared not to notice this, however, as she locked both of her white, feminine arms about his neck in a death-grip.  
  
"Studlymanus!" she cried, her face brimming with joy. "Far must you have ridden to have cometh upon me in yonder Elven-haven Rivendell! However dideth you seek me out?"  
  
"Rivendell?" asked the tall, rugged, outdoorsy man who, even though he now had a name, the authoress was refusing to call him by it. "I thought this was Mirkwood."  
  
"Oh, thou art a silly!" Annuninomincirthwenniron exclaimed. "Everyone knows the only place thou canest reach in forsooth, verily, is Rivendell!"  
  
"I am confused by your sporadic insertion of Old English," Studlymanus said. "Do I-"  
  
At this moment, Legolas arrived in the courtyard.  
  
"Damn the traffic! It is especially slow near that 'Secret Bunny Room' Elrond keeps insisting does not exist," Legolas said, taking a moment to catch his breath. Both Annuninomincirthwenniron and Studlymanus turned to stare rather blankly at the Elven prince. There was a long, dull silence.  
  
"Uh…wir wollen elf auto meiten?" Legolas offered.  
  
"Oh! Silly Legolas!" Annuninomincirthwenniron tutted. "Where on Middle-Earth would we find eleven cars at /this/ time of night?"  
  
The canon let out a final dying 'urk', shriveled up, and was seen no more for the remainder of the story.  
  
"But who is this?" Legolas cried, pointing an accusing finger at the rugged, tall stranger. "And why does he insist on calling his horse a donkey?"  
  
"Yeah, let's talk about that," the horse spoke up.  
  
"My name is Studlymanus Handsomebastardius." Studlymanus announced with an ostentatious ambiance. "I come from the distant land of Fancifulfruityphonypsuedonyms!"   
  
"Yes, I have heard of that land," Legolas said. "Does it not also encompass the kingdoms of Nambynuttynonsensenames and Asinineawawkwardalias?"  
  
"The same," Studlymanus assured him.  
  
"What brings you to Rivendell?" Legolas inquired. "The fact that my lust-object is currently dangling about your neck like a lascivious medallion seems to suggest you two perhaps know each other. Is it for her you have come here?"  
  
"My original intent was to head towards Mirkwood," Studlymanus said. "But seeing as Annuninomincirthwenniron was here, as well as the fact I was unable to get anywhere /but/ here; yes, I did come for her to here. Or…for her to here. Or, uh, one of those."  
  
"And why, pray tell, as I may have mentioned earlier, /is/ Annuninomincirthwenniron currently dangling about your neck like a lascivious medallion?" Legolas inquired, barely able to take the sight.  
  
"Well, putting aside the fact that Annuninomincirthwenniron once won first place in Fancifulfruityphonypsuedonyms's Annual Dangling About Tall, Rugged, Dark Stranger's Necks Like Lascivious Medallions contests…. She is also my fiancé!"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
BUM BUM BUM!!! Suspense that really ISN'T!!! I just love the name Studlymanus, it is so non-canon and so ridiculous. Kind of like Annuninomincirthwenniron. There's going to be more stuff with her name later...she'll be randomly gaining accents and oublats and all kinds of things. MUAH!  
  
A great big shout out to all my reviewers...and to anyone who is actually still thinking this is alive. HAH! I prove it! Tis VERILY FORSOOTH alive! And thanks to the suggestion of Jengo, there's going to be big MUSICAL numbers in here. Of course, they'll all be modern, totally non-compatable songs. I already have a great one picked out for Annuninomincirthwenniron. MWEE!! (BTW, the way I pronounce her name when I'm reading over what I wrote is Ah-none-in-oh-min-seer-ith-when-ear-on. Ungainly and awkward, aint it? *grin* 


	5. SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR, Part One

Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome to SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR PART ONE, the FIRST MUSICAL INTERLUDE of the critically acclaimed epic FANTABULOUS LEGGOSITY!

Please note the above sentance was only 2/3 true. This is not critically acclaimed. :( BUT, it is a MUSICAL EPPIE! And it is called SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR! And there will be a FOLLOW-UP! A PART TWO! RIght, now, on to business.

Since this, as aforely mentioned, is a MUSICAL episode, there are lyrics. Lots and lots of bothersome, irksome lyrics, present just like they are in SERIOUS Legomances (then again, how serious can a Legolance be?). BUT, lyrics alone often don't convey the sense of MUSIC all that well. Therefore, I've listed the songs and the artists/movies/shows they are from  in the order they appear in this episode, so if you have the inclination or the means to download them, you can, and therefore listen to them instead of /reading/ them. Some of the lyrics are changed in some of the songs but the tunes 'n' stuff are still the same.

--Da List For Part One--

-"He's Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon (Legolas' song) 

-"My Little Runaway" by Del Shannon (Studlymanus' song)

-"My Boyfriend's Back" by the Angels (Annuninomincirthwenniron's song)

A note: ff.net document uploading thing was evil. It kept screwing up my formatting. Ergo, now it's all spaced out like this. (so it looks much longer than it really is, bwahahah!) I think it's because of the lyrics. I think it will only be for this time. We go!

FANTABULOUS LEGGOSITY

Partie Cinq 

~mUsIcAl InTeRlUdE~

When Legolas recovered from his shock-induced catatonic state many hours later, Studlymanus and Annuninomincirthwenniron had predictably departed. Also unsurprisingly, Studlymanus's horse Hotey was puttering about uselessly in the shrubbery, having been left saddled and bridled and generally completely forgotten about. And, with the choice between spouting a lengthy paragraph of self-loathe and angst or giving the ASPCA a solid reason to not enter the storyline, Legolas chose to do both at the same time.

"Ah, donkey," Legolas said mournfully, approaching the animal that was very clearly a horse.

"Horse," the horse corrected tiredly.

"Donkey," Legolas repeated stubbornly. "Aaah, donkey. Does thou knowest the reason for Annuninomincirthwenniron's sure lack of interest in mine sexy bod? Even if thou didst know, thou couldst not answer me, for thou is only a poor dumb beast, lacking in the knowledge of phonics and speech communication skills."

"Hey, I'm talking here, aren't I?" Hotey objected. "Plus, /my/ name is a clever pun. Yours sounds like a breakfast waffle."

"Alas," Legolas lamented, ignoring the fact that Hotey was most likely the wisest living thing in the whole story (with the exception of the plaster bust of Elrond in the foyer, which had once recited the Gettysburg address backwards in Kurdish). "Why doth she lust Studlymanus, when she could lust me?" 

Legolas looked in the most melancholy manner he could muster at the sky, and suddenly extremely non-canonical guitar strains began wafting out of nowhere.

"Shite," Hotey commented reasonably. "I do believe a musical interlude is looming."

And thus Legolas began.

///Somewhere there's speaking 

    It's already coming in 

    Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind 

    You never could get it 

    Unless you were fed it 

    Now you're here and you don't know why 

    But under skinned knees and the skid marks 

    Past the places where you used to learn 

    You howl and listen 

    Listen and wait for the 

    Echoes of angels who won't return 

    He's everything you want 

    He's everything you need 

    He's everything inside of you 

    That you wish you could be 

    He says all the right things 

    At exactly the right time 

    But he means nothing to you 

    And you don't know why 

    You're waiting for someone 

    To put you together 

    You're waiting for someone to push you away 

    There's always another wound to discover 

    There's always something more you wish he'd say 

    But you'll just sit tight 

    And watch it unwind 

    It's only what you're asking for 

    And you'll be just fine 

    With all of your time 

    It's only what you're waiting for 

    Out of the island 

    Into the highway 

    Past the places where you might have turned 

    You never did notice 

    But you still hide away 

    The anger of angels who won't return 

    I am everything you want 

    I am everything you need 

    I am everything inside of you 

    That you wish you could be 

    I say all the right things 

    At exactly the right time 

    But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why 

    And I don't know why 

    Why 

    I don't know///

            Legolas' song ended just in time to prevent Hotey from succumbing to a bad case of Forced Insertion Of Modern Unneeded Crap (FIOMUC).  The mystical guitars and other non-existent instruments faded back into the mystery of the Rivendell night, which by now had lasted approximately 19.613 hours.

***

            Meanwhile, Studlymanus and Annuninomincirthwenniron were flouncing aimlessly through the corridors of infernal Rivendell night. Annuninomincirthwenniron was very vaguely worried about Legolas, whom they had left standing in the courtyard, frozen like something that doesn't move a whole lot.

            "Poor Legolas," she commented. "I doth believe I hath confused him."

            "Well, you've confused me too," Studlymanus said, pointedly using contractions and a determinably American accent.

            "However for why did I doth do that?" Annuninomincirthwenniron exclaimed, causing Studlymanus's brain to temporarily shut down. When he recovered, he merely stated,

            "You left the kingdom of Fancifulfruityphonypsuedonyms, unexpectedly and unexplained! In the middle of the night! With only a few crates of make-up and a few thousand outfits! And without ME!"

            "Oh, Studly," Annuninomincirthwenniron sighed. "I only needed to get out on mine own for a short bit-eth. Unfortunately, due to a warping of time, space, and all matter in between, I didst wind myself up in Mirkwood, where I had not intended to go, and was consequently attacked by the most foul beings in existence."

            "Orcs?" Studlymanus guessed.

            "MENSA members," Annuninomincirthwenniron corrected with a shudder. "Luckily, I was able to beat them back by flinging my lacy dresses at them. They were all ruined, of course," she sniffed. "And then, I was attacked by Orcs, and Legolas save-ed me from a most untimely demise."

            "Yes, by why did you leave in the first place?" Studlymanus pressed. "I was ever so sad without you…"

            At this key phrase, musical strains floated out of the nearest potted plant, and Studlymanus took Annuninomincirthwenniron's hands seriously in true Broadway musical fashion.

            "Ooh, how womantic," Annuninomincirthwenniron sighed as Studlymanus began his own mad musical stylin'z.

///As I walk along I wonder a-what went wrong 

    With our love, a love that was so strong 

    And as I still walk on, I think of the things we've done 

    together, a-while our hearts were young 

    I'm a-walkin' in the rain 

    Tears are fallin' and I feel the pain 

    Wishin' you were here by me 

    To end this misery 

    And I wonder 

    I wa-wa-wa-wa-wonder 

    Why 

    Ah-why-why-why-why-why she ran away 

    And I wonder where she will stay 

    My little runaway, run-run-run-run-runaway ////

At this point the musitron solo sprang up and Studlymanus, with no other ideas for improvisation, cued up his ViewMaster data projector and spent the next 27 seconds whirling them through whimsical images of them together in happier days in the fantastic land of Fancifulfruityphonypsuedonyms. Then, his theme song lyrics began again.

///I'm a-walkin' in the rain 

    Tears are fallin' and I feel the pain 

    Wishin' you were here by me 

    To end this misery 

    And I wonder 

    I wa-wa-wa-wa-wonder 

    Why 

    Ah-why-why-why-why-why she ran away 

    And I wonder where she will stay 

    My little runaway, run-run-run-run-runaway 

    A-run-run-run-run-runaway///

            "Ooh, Studly. But it's not raining," Annuninomincirthwenniron pouted. At that moment, a conveniently timed drainpipe cracked just above their heads, and a deluge of rather greenish, rather stagnant water poured down like thick rain upon them.

            "Thou is so romantic," Annuninomincirthwenniron said joyfully, hugging him.

            "Thou smells of pond-water," Studlymanus replied, rather put out.

***

            The next morning, Legolas spied Annuninomincirthwenniron gliding, Elf-like, through the golden sunbeam mote illuminated gardens of Rivendell, humming sweetly to herself and smelling the hemlock thoughtfully.

            Dare I approach? Legolas thought to himself.

            Dare! shouted one part of his brain.

            D.A.R.E.! cried another. Legolas blinked at the sudden anti-drug movement present in his sappish romance, but decided it would be for the greater good to simply ignore it.

            "Annuninomincirthwenniron!" Legolas called, silently congratulating himself on his new-found ability to say her name in 14 seconds flat. She turned, her black hair- that was as dark as vacuumed velvet wedged down a drainpipe and buried ten feet underground- shining in the sun.

            "Legolas!" she exclaimed, rather surprised.

            "Aye, 'tis me, fair Lady Annuninomincirthwenniron," Legolas said. He took her lovely, white, white, white, really really white, white, white hand, and kissed it.

            "Oh, Legolas," Annuninomincirthwenniron blushed. "But thou dost know that thou cannost be mine boyfriend, does thou not? For Studlymanus, my hunky slab of man, hath return-ed to me."

            "No," Legolas said, feeling rather imbittered. "No, I do not know. Why dost-ent thou sing a modern song about it?"

            "I believe I will!" Annuninomincirthwenniron exclaimed happily, as music began to waft from the mouths of all the statues in the garden, and they temporarily became animate in order to sing do-wop backup.    

            "Shite," Hotey commented from his stall.

/// I went away and you came around

    And bothered me every night

    And when I wouldn't go out with you

    You said things that weren't very nice

    My boyfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble

    (Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back)

    When you see him coming, better cut out on the double

    (Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back)

    You been spreading lies that I was untrue

    (Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back)

    So look out now 'cause he's coming after you

    (Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back)

    Hey, he knows what you been trying

    And he knows that you been lying

    He's been gone for such a long time

    (Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back)

    Now he's back and things'll be fine

    (Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back)

    You're gonna be sorry you were ever born

    (Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back)

    'Cause he's kinda big and he's awful strong

    (Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back)

    Hey, he knows I wasn't cheating

    Now you're gonna get a beating

    What made you think he'd believe all your lies?

    (Aah-ooh, aah-ooh)

    You're a big man now but he'll cut you down to size

    (Aah-ooh)

    Wait and see!

    My boyfriend's back, he's gonna save my reputation

    (Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back)

    If I were you, I'd take a permanent vacation

    (Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back)

    Hey, I can see him coming

    Now you better start a'running

    (Aah-ooh, aah-ooh)

    (Aah-ooh)

    Wait and see!

    My boyfriend's back, he's gonna save my reputation

    (Hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend's back)

    Yeah, my boyfriend's back

    Well look out now, my boyfriend's back

    Well, I can see him comin' so you better get a'running a'right now

    Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah////

            "I don't think Studlymanus would dare try give me a beating!" Legolas exclaimed indignantly when the statues had resumed their original state of Inanimatecy. "For I am Legolas Greenleaf! Prince of Mirkwood! The Sultan of Swing! The Raja of Rumb-"

            And that was as far as he got before the large stick thwapped him in the back of the head.

            "Easier than I thought," Studlymanus commented, holstering the large stick and observing Legolas, prince-of-down-for-the-count, now on the ground. "My motto: speak softly and carry a big stick, and /use/ that big stick while your nemesis is expanding his ego."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*giggles like mad* Oh, but that was fun, was not it? Dost thou thinkest so as well? *giggles again*

Urg I hate lyrics! URG URG URG! Shootenzie the songfics! SHOOTENZIE!! They make the story all...UNFLOWY! Anyway. They were kinda fun. My first, last, and only (line of defense) songfic. MIB homage, what?

Hey look, and there's even about and hour and 15 min. left to Friday! Time to go work on TTT, CoS, MOAMEM, LOTRWS, AEP, FEA, BOTLMD...acrocronyms yeah! *cackles*

Weekend update plan:

Saturday: TTT and/or MOAMEM

Sunday: Cos and/or Battles (Yes, BATTLES! Hoom! Treebeard and Willow eppie is pretty much done. *cheer*)

Joy to all! Second musical partie of FL coming I have no idea when. But we shall be introducing a new concept...a MUSICAL Council of Elrond! (I told you /everybody/ sings. And I MEANT everybody. AHAHAHHA!!)

Oh yeah. Kudos for guessing: What's Hotey's clever pun name? (note Studlymanus calls him a donkey.) Whee!


End file.
